My Towel and My Eggs.

Fri.

Pun took the day off Friday for absolutely no reason what so ever. Nuts and Pun visit the good old liquor store where Pun realizes nuts is poor and offers to buy a 1.75 of seven so that he can save some money, nuts doesn’t realize that seven kills small children and is harmful to some adults. We began our tedious travel to Knoxville while being extremely uncomfortable jam packed into nuts explorer until we reach Spartanburg where we split into 2 cars. The death wish rollercoaster ride up 40 to Tennessee was filled with loosing our voices and harmonizing to just about every song we know the words too.
We arrive at the Mehagans and promptly begin to learn how to march under the reign of Bj, Mcgee's step mom, who is telling us how to sleep at night, how to wash our bodies, how we will eat our eggs and where our towels will be located. Miller lites are passed around to everyone except Watson who is slightly agitated about not being able to drink. Stories of the past begin to emerge in the kitchen, Papa Mcgee begins to get a twinkle in his eye as he remembers the good ole days from our stories and a slight grimace begins to crawl across bege's face as she realizes the countdown to destruction has begun and only time will tell how long it will take us to bring down the walls of their lovely home.
We polish off a few more miller lites and hit the sack so that we can begin the drunk fest in the morning. Nuts in all of his gayness turns on the Carson Daily show which proudly announes after the next commercial break they will show the finalist to the ugliest dog contest. Runner up one and two are hideous creatures but are nothing in comparison to the grand champion. The owner brings the dog out and howling from nuts, pun and julien can be heard throughout the house. This dog has three white hairs atop its head, five dangly yellow teeth, its skins putrid brown and covered in moles from years of deterioration the poor bastard is missing an eye and I believe half of the other one. A huge tumor juts from his back leg inches from it’s anus. As the camera pans in on the dog nuts begins to scream repeatedly Oh my God, Oh my God. Pun is laughing like a school girl screaming for Watson, McGee, and paq to join in on the horrendous sites.

http://espn.go.com/outdoors/sportingdogs/news/2005/0712/2106127.html

Sat.

Pre-tailgate:
Breakfast begins with barking orders from Bj who reluctantly ask how we would have our eggs. Nuts replies scrambled would be nice along with everyone else in the room only to be shot down by Bj who exclaims over easy, over medium, over hard is the only way eggs are cooked. With a bewildered look on everyone’s face Watson says I can scramble them. After breakfast is finished we are reminded for the 32nd time that our towels are behind our doors.
Bj gets us ready for tailgate as if we were going to our first day of school, I have to admit it was nice not to have to think about what I was doing, all I had to do was drink, but she kept walking around asking everyone if they wanted a barbeque, referring to a barbeque sandwich, and I don’t know what the fuck that means. Can’t you say sandwich after that. All I kept thinking about is if I wanted to sit outside around a grill and cook hamburgers with my favorite buddies while sipping a Budweiser and puffing a stogie.

Tailgate:
After much confusion we park across the st from the $20 parking lot in the $30 parking lot and begin the day. Several drinks are spilt due to carelessness and we realize we have a pisser in the church which is money. The hotness is blasted from the titan and everyone surrounding quickly realizes that we might be more entertaining than the game. Nuts pours his first seven and seven, while hot tamales girls approach us take our picture, and leave us with enough candy to swim in. Pun takes one look at the hill to the bathroom in the church, and commences to piss all over the tree in the parking lot. Erin from now on being referred to as nelson has her cell phone strapped to her head and a straw in her mouth wonders off to God knows where, all the while having a full on conversation with Cassie about kagael exercises. Nuts pours his 5 seven and seven, things start downward. Sober Watson becomes irate when paq lights the last cigarette smokes a quarter of it and puts the rest of it out on the bottom of juliens shoe. This causing angry Pun and sober Watson to begin a trek to find cigarettes, an hour later and 2 miles of exercise pun returns to be cordially greeted by paq who ask for a cigarette. Pun, replies do you know what I just did for this pack of smokes, fuck you. Watson receives a phone call from Nicole and proceeds to have an hour long discussion about why he slept in the same bed as Pun a month and a half ago and has now lost his sex drive. Mcgee, Paq, and Nuts then begin their relentless dry humping spell while Watson is on the phone, undoubtedly hampering his conversation with Nicole. Pun receives an atomic wedgy from nuts which stuffs his boxers between his balls and his ass. Chaos erupts as nuts begins to give away hot tamales to everyone in sight while McGee and paq start a hot tamales war. Pelting anyone they can heave a bag at. Soon we are throwing up packages of Hot Tamales like Tyrone Biggums tossing up money after the reparations checks came in.
Blur from 5:30 to game time.

Game:
How the hell did we get to our seats and who brought us here. Nelson wonders off again, to the disbelief of fellow older gamecock fans who remember the good old days when she was that drunk at the football games and being taken advantage of in the stadium men’s bathroom. Paq comes back with coffee and Pun realizing he is cold, must have some. Pun and Nuts see La and Leslie (KKG’s from Carolina you know the ones that are always at chubby’s hoping to see Nuts) who are wasted. Pun still wearing rainbows considers pouring his coffee on his feet to warm them. Leslie (looking a lot like a gremlin) swaggers back and forth while continuously pulling out mini bottles from her bottomless pit of a jacket. She would chug one and then dump the other into Nut’s coffee. After about 5 mini bottles she pulls out her birth control and says its time for my baby killing pills. Pun, disgusted, looks at nuts and says who is impregnating her. Nut’s reply is she has big hooters, along with a quaint shrug. We return to our seats to witness the greatest gamecock win in the history of time, and Nuts begins to ball, literally.

Post Game:
We begin our trek to get something to eat because Knoxville is beat and has no parking the police officer informs us that crystal is a hot spot because it is full of bacteria and is more like a hot zone. Paq is very upset because he had his sights lined up on crystal ever since the game ended and those little burgers would have been tasty. Paq, Pun, Mcgee, and Nelson make their way into Jersey Mikes where everyone working there may or may not have just smoked a pound of rocky tops finest cheeba. Mcgee orders a turkey sub and is then asked if he wants regular or SMOKED turkey? He orders the smoked and as the sandwich designer cuts the meat he says have a taste of this while handing out SMOKED turkey and not being shy as to stuff his own face with the oh so tasty smokeyness. Afterwards we walk forever to a bar that blows and is most definitely worse than chubbys 9 x 91/2 ever thought about being and proceed to drink a glass of bourbon and or rum that has a drop of coke in it. When I say drink I mean wrestle down because it was harsh. We might as well have ordered bourbon on the rocks because I could have spit in my drink and flavored it more than the coke did. Nuts and Watson begin the journey back to the car while everyone else tries to finish this drink which is an anomaly to anyone from South Carolina. How did they fit that much bourbon in my damn drink? Paq takes a swig of his liquor and makes a bitter beer face which is really a face of Oh my God that’s horrible and if I wasn’t an alcoholic I’d stop drinking this. Five minutes later he is making the same face as he downs the last of drink. The rest of us meet Watson and Nuts who is for some reason already riding in the back of the truck and we precede home stopping at a red light, a fellow gamecock fan asks for a ride and is about run over when Watson realizes that giving out rides would turn directly into a cluster fuck.
Paq and nuts are bundled up in the bed of the truck blaspheming rocky top for being so damn cold, and trying to keep warm by covering themselves with folding chairs. As if that would block the wind? Nuts makes the comment while being pulled out of the bed of the truck, “How do you drink those seven and sevens, I don’t remember half the day. I’m not ever drinking that again.” We get home and comfortable and Paq in his infinite wit says, Good night your towel is behind your door if you were wondering. We then scheme on how we can approach bege the following day and ask her where is my towel, is my towel behind my door or his door? Pun then tries to convince everyone that we should hide the towels and give her a run for her money to see if she can find them.

Sun.

We awake to smells of French toast; Pun exclaims where the fuck is my towel loud enough for everyone in the house to hear him. Bj turns to McGee and asks are they making fun of me? After a lovely breakfast we head home and on the way try to recount how many drinks we had the day before. Nelson looks up and says I only had 4 drinks and in between each drink I had a bottle of water. I did a good job of maintaining but I was WASTED and don’t remember anything, I also got yelled at by a Carolina fan who said I spilt his coffee but I swear he spilt it on me???? Pun, Paq, and Mcgee are confused and begin to chuckle as we take the dangerous ride back down 40.

Sorry for the long windedness.