House Hunting 101

If you didn’t know I have been searching the illustrious real estate market of Columbia for a few months now. Every time I go house hunting I feel like strangling someone or cussing them out. The worst are the "For Sale By Owner" homes. I have searched houses ranging in sales price and looks for quite a while, and I've almost had it. The market in Columbia ranges from dilapidated nigerdom, to Old South money.

Last week I reevaluated my loan amount with the City of Columbia, and was both impressed and excited about new options I may be able to pursue. So I decided this weekend to search the Rosewood market. Driving up and down the streets I found several houses worth looking at two of them which were "For Sale By Owner".

The first house had an Arched porch way and was all brick. The info sheet did not list a price but described a house I would love to own. The second was an older home that looked like it had potential more of an investment property than anything which is not a bad thing. These two houses sum up the market spectrum in Columbia, Really nice to Almost falling apart. There is no middle ground without much work. I make back home and contact the owners about setting up an appointment to see their houses.

Sunday @ 2:30 Gregory and I set out as the gay couple of Columbia in search of a HOME. I hate that look people give you when they ask, "How long have you TWO been looking for a house?” My only response to that comes in my most manly voice that "I have been looking for a few weeks." We pull up to the Nice brick house, open porch with Ivy growing over the passage. We enter the porch and a lovely couple meets us at the door and we make the introductions as we are invited into the home. Chris, the lady of the house, shows us the den as I dare to ask the price of this AWESOME home. Without fail she blurts it out, "The listing price is 19?,???. All I heard were the first two numbers and my immediate reaction was just to say FUCK IT. Let’s leave. I can't afford this fucking house, but I am able to turn around in it without hitting a wall. She then shows us the rest of the immaculate home with a well manicured back yard, deck, even complete with a hot tub. I hate this bitch. My next thought is that her fucking Daddy bought her this house, now she just wants the next free ride off of some poor soul willing to buy her house. My mood has swung severely from excited to just down right pissed. I walk to the front door as she throws another curve ball at me that her and her HUSBAND were just married and that they are building a new home in Lexington. I congratulate them as I left myself out the door, ball up the info sheet, and bit my tongue from Fuck you and your home very much.

I may have screwed myself, looking at the nice home first with the rundown shanty second. I was in no mood to see the house but it wasn’t worth wasting my time or the owners since I was in the area.

We pull up to the house and walk in through open French doors to meet Valerie. I can sum up Valerie with a short description, Katie Magers after long hard bender that was concluded by a few happy endings from a NAACP gang bang.

She is very nice though and introduces us to her mother. At first the house seems nice very open with plenty of rooms, but no doors on any of the bedrooms. Weird. She then tells us the history of the house built in 1911, should have left that out of the home show Valerie. She then goes on to explain that there is no Central Air/ Heat. Fuck this I'm out. I can't survive without that. The next 45 minutes of Valerie's tour goes as follows, my attitude and general expression never changing from holy fuck what is wrong with you.

This is the first bedroom, I didn’t like the closet so I tore it down. And this is the extra room which I have just turned into a large closet. The kitchen is very open this is the two year old gas space heater I had installed, there is another one in the den when you walk in. The range in only two years old, and the dishwasher is about 5 years old. It’s portable.

Stop the TOUR!!! A portable dishwasher. Shut the fuck up. Why do you want a portable dishwasher??? Do you own a dishwashing franchise much like Merry Maids which is a traveling maid service that cleans the house only you show up after dinner with your portable dishwasher to clean kitchen and it’s off to the next wholesome family. Do you have reindeer and a slay as well??? (G later told me that he couldn’t believe I didn't just walk out after this display.)

Continue tour... This is the master bathroom (missing doors) and bedroom (also missing doors).

Excuse me Valerie, where do you fuck without doors and your mother being in the house???

This is the back yard it’s completely fenced in with two sheds. This shed has running water and electricity, you could even rent this out if you put some time into it only the ceiling is 4.5 ft tall and the whole shed is only 100 square feet.

Uh Valerie can we see into the other shed?

"I'd rather keep that locked for right now it has the vinyl siding that I am planning to put on the house. I can show you the plans we had for the house. These plans were for we to do and have become just me doing them. My husband left me I need to sell this house. I had these plans drawn up and we planned on having them complete by now but my husband left me and I cant do them. My husband left me please buy my house.

As we walk out the front door her mother is sitting on the front porch and we say our goodbyes.
Her mother shouts out to us "They don’t make porches like this anymore, I sit here all day and watch people go through the trash. I even saw a truck come by and add to the pile one day. Its funny."

I really think that I only said four or five complete sentences while at this house. I did not ask one question and neither did G. If I weren’t driving the 4 cylinder Malibu I would have left 20 foot long burn marks on the road in front of her house, and I am fairly certain that Valerie's husband's remains are still in that shed.