Rant # 2

I love black music. From hip hop to rap to R&B. On the way to work to boost my days in the morning I usually listen to one of my two favorite black stations here in Columbia. The morning shows on these stations are extremely sub par. The hosts are funny but not that enlightening, maybe its because they aren’t attempting to drive blindfolded down the highway like B93.7 did when I was in high school. But the worst part about the show is the people who call in, they bring absolutely nothing to the table to boost the shows interest in the least. The host will bring up a topic and ask the listener to call in with a specific instance in their lives such as the following.

DJ- If you are listening out there and you have relatives who like to start drama call in and tell us about it. Yes, who is dramatic in your family?

Female Listener: Yeah, my mama be causing drama when my family be together for chrismas………………………….(crickets)

DJ- So what does your Mom do?

Female Listner- She be telling lies to get everybody upset.

(At this point I don’t know who is more ignorant, the DJ for not hanging up, or the Caller for not having a point. God Damn you are supposed to call in with a funny story, not just call in and say my mama is drama.)

DJ- Caller number two tell us about your dramatic family.

Male Listener – For Chrismas my grandmother went around telling all the family that I slept with this woman and I didn’t want that to get out.

DJ- So she caused a big ruckus on the holidays, how did the family react?

Male Listener- Yeah

There are two main problems with this caller. Why the fuck does your grandmother know about your relations and what kind of fucking story did you just tell. There was no punch line, there was no build up. If you are going to call in, have something to say don’t just call in and agree that your baby mama full-o-drama.

On to this morning the hosts made reference to Barbara Walters special last night about the ten most fascinating people in 2005. Kanye West was one of the top ten, a person who I continue to loss respect for, but that damn woman she sure enough is a gold digger, and she is not messing around with any broke niggers.(say that last sentence in your best white voice) I am not quoting this directly from the show or the Barbara Walters special but West said something to the effect of, It is less offensive to him for a white person to use the word nigger than it is for a white person to alter their speech around him. (Disclaimer: Please check your Tivo or the ABC website for and exact quote. If Yolanda is reading this ask that nigga on the corner who was at the barber shop yesterday.) On the radio show they gave examples of this. And I am quoting this, “when a white person throws a be up in there just around you.” I may need to make that quote a little more ebonically correct to quote it exactly. So the hosts on the show start discussing whether or not they think these actions are an attempt by some to be more approachable or more receptive, or is it that the man is mocking us. All the illustrious and intelligent callers phoned in to say,” They just mockin us” end phone call. If I had time to call in this morning this would have been my phone call.

DJ- What do you think about the use of the n word?

Me- White Power Fuck N*&@#$%..................................................................

DJ- (click) Next caller

Female Listener- What the fuck is that mother fucker doing calling up in herrre talking all that………on and on and on.

I am sure there are a lot of people out there that use that grammar you call ebonics to make fun of you, hell I do it on a daily basis. And I will continue to whether it offends you or not, and if the majority of the black public stops using ebonics id still make fun of you for having used it. Do you know why, for the sole reason that you divide yourself from the rest of the public and make yourself look even more ignorant than you already appear. Everyone else in America tries to make themselves look better even if it is a façade. Black America is the only part who willing make themselves look worse. Maybe if you didn’t have the prejudice, yes I said it PREJUDICE, that every race or ethnicity is trying to hold the black person down, you wouldn’t have the attitude you do now. Get over yourself, nobody owes you shit. The people that I know today did not get to where they are now by sitting around complaining about how the electric company screwed them over by turning off their lights and charging them a penalty to turn them back on. The person at the desk didn’t decide to charge you extra because you are chocolate, that happens to vanilla, strawberry, and Pina colada (I gotta lotta dollas, see I do love black music) people as well. Quite bitching pay your bills, and for the love of God quite thinking that everyone besides the hood is out to get you.

Solutions To make your life better.

1. If you get a bill in the mail that says Due Date July 4th. That does not mean I can pay it on Oct 4th because I automatically get a time warp to winter because my bill was due on Independence day. Pay it on the 4th, not the 5th, 6th, or 7th. The 4th, and if Sequinianciya calls and says she is going to the mall to get her nails done or if Davjulio, I actually know someone named that what the fuck, calls to say I’m at the strip club you need to ask yourself if you have the funds exceeding your BILL to go. If so, go, if not sit your ass down and put the bill in the mail.

2. Stop having babies, you will have more money and there will be less of you, everyone wins.
3. While in public do not make scenes. Do not yell half a mile because you think you see your brother’s baby mama sister aunt mama’s man who you are trying to “holler at”. See I am making fun of you again because I can and because those actions are annoying.

4. Once again while in public, especially when you are in a crowded area, but not limited to. Do not, I repeat do not, take up the entire walk way with you and your 3 home girl’s ghetto booties, by walking at break neck speeds for an invalid with no appendages who has just fallen from a motorized wheel chair powered by the air blown from the mouth. Not everyone has a genetically enhanced ass and although they are nice please don’t take up the entire damn sidewalk/walking path. MOVE YOUR ASS.

5. The man is not out to get you, please speak proper English.



I am not done yet.

I work in a very service oriented industry. I deal with customers face to face and over the phone. I see all walks of life from lower, middle, to upper class citizens of the world. Although I do have to say I see much less of the upper class than I do middle class and less middle class than I do lower class. If I have learned anything while working here I have definitely learned this. Ignorance Kills. It kills my brain cells, having to hear the idiotic, moronic phrases that leave the mouths of our customers. Thus leading me to my next fact, that there are different types of people in the world. I believe there are Hispanics, and there are wetbacks, there are whites and there are crackers, there are blacks and there are N!@#$%&. The difference between these two types of people from every race is ignorance, or a willing effort to disregard social norms.

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Fingers Crossed

Today is the big day for a gamecock fan. We have nearly overcome Georgia this season and came out smelling like slightly decayed roses against Tennessee. Which is met with great approval if you are from Carolina and bleed Garnet. We head to tailgate with hope that the day might bring another victory over the Florida Gators. We kneel to the ground and pray to our Spurrier Idol affixed in the middle of the tailgate, Our Kegs.

Last year we began the tradition of Kegs and Eggs, which went poorly last year and as we all know when things go poorly our group loves to test the waters several more times, like a young child grabbing for light bulb that has been burning throughout the day. As we make our way to the tailgate I received a call from Lynn saying, “We brought a beer pong table but forgot the ping pong balls.” I being myself begun to curse everyone at the tailgate because everyone there was involved in forgetting the damn balls and how the hell do you bring a table and just assume that someone will know to bring the balls, those cheap bastards. The food cooks, the beer flows, the ping pong balls glide threw the autumn air as if gravity were no more. It is the best time of year you could ask for and a more beautiful day couldn’t be found on earth. As my soberness begins to give way to the beer a familiar urge sets in midway through the first beer pong game. It is my slight addiction to my oh so faithful friend Jose, last name, Cuervo and I come to the realization that I have left him at home in the freezer. If you have ever seen a grown man suddenly become a 5 year old standing in the candy isle being denied by his mother from the goody goody gum drops, you missed your chance on Saturday. The game chugs on as Paq and I begin to brutalize Dixon and Trey, who could already blow a 1.5 blood alcohol level at 10:35am. Dixon begins bless us out for cheating because our arms are longer and our follow through oh so smooth, yelling out “Over the line Donny, mark it as foul.” After the words have been thrown back and forth, threatening of jaws being broken, along with the glass quality of Dixon’s miller lite to my head equations are exchanged or analyzed Dixon, and what was left of Trey, admitted defeat. The day carries on and I notice that G my roommate is totting a cooler, and my eyes light up like a Christmas tree on a late December morning, I can’t remember what date Christmas is on. G raises the bottle out of the cooler as if to say the world is his and the rays of sun sparkle off of the water dripping from square edged bottle. My day along with everyone else’s just got a little worse.

Everyone leaves for the game as those of us unfortunate enough to not have tickets set up the TV. Bottles are sipped on, beers a refilled as we gather around to watch. Out of no where a burly redneck (Jason) with an 18+ month goatee taps me on the shoulder to ask if he can join us for the game. He bribes the group by commenting that he has several bottles of wine and liquor a few steps away and we are more than welcome to any of it. A few minutes later he shows up sporting two bottles of Boone farm Green Apple. In the back of my mind I wonder how the hell he found those bottles and how hard the cashier at Winn Dixie laughed at him after he carried away the bottles in plastic bags. Jason turns out to be just another good ole boy who likes to clang away at the liquor bottles. As G insists on a shot of tequila after every first down the day begins to blur away. More beer pong more Jose and chalk up one more win for the Carolina Gamecocks. Myself, the tailgate patrons, and the rest of the Carolina fans have just committed to a long night of heavy drinking. As day turns into night my memory evades me. I remember Simons putting his arm around me and then for some reason my $140 pair of Oakley’s missing an ear piece, simon's head smacking the garbage can the TV being knocked over by my ass. A few punches were thrown and for no reason, Dixon was cold cocked by Simon’s friend who left soon after.

For those of you who don’t know Stephen is a dear friend of mine from freshman year at Anderson College. Whenever the two of us get together its like we revert to being 12 and petty arguments and fights break out constantly. He is like an aching pain or irritated rash that wont go away until you rip it out or cut it off. On the way to dinner from the tailgate Stephen proceeds to poke and prod me to death in the back seat of Small’s car. After a few minutes of this I begin insert my thumb into Stephens trachea while trying to either crack open his head or break the window of the back seat whichever came first. We eat dinner and the ride home was quite the same. After a well deserved nap I wake up to an empty house, a headache, and a ringing phone from friends convincing me I haven’t had enough to drink. We make our way downtown only to find out that every bar is packed to its fullest capacity and damnit all I want is some beer. We head to chubby’s then to Rocco’s and get our swerve on, dancing to the music pointing and laughing. All the while Trey is faced with a huge dilemma. You see up until a week ago Trey was a virgin and he got drunk enough to take some older woman to a hotel. Well Saturday night she made her way out with us and did not leave Trey’s side even for a minute. After waiting through the bathroom line with her lover and singing the words to Zoom by LL Cool J, she to like a rash, was annoying. After Trey wiggles through social circles and different conversations ,trying to shake the Pandora’s box he so regretfully opened, he gives up on being left alone and for the first time in his life has to give into going home with someone, who knew. It only took a matter of time before one of us laid into her. Paquette, under his breath says, “Hey, Pun, She’s a little crazy”, and begins to quack like a duck. The night windled down, beers empty, shots taken we proceed home.

Arriving home the phone erupts from its silence. Oh shit Jackie’s drunk. I answer the phone only to hear mumbling in some other conversation. Minutes go by as she realizes I’ve already hung up. She calls back only to see if i'm still drinking and or wish to take her to platinum plus. What a girl she is. Her friends take the phone and her home, and another game day in the heart of Carolina is concluded.