My Towel and My Eggs.

Fri.

Pun took the day off Friday for absolutely no reason what so ever. Nuts and Pun visit the good old liquor store where Pun realizes nuts is poor and offers to buy a 1.75 of seven so that he can save some money, nuts doesn’t realize that seven kills small children and is harmful to some adults. We began our tedious travel to Knoxville while being extremely uncomfortable jam packed into nuts explorer until we reach Spartanburg where we split into 2 cars. The death wish rollercoaster ride up 40 to Tennessee was filled with loosing our voices and harmonizing to just about every song we know the words too.
We arrive at the Mehagans and promptly begin to learn how to march under the reign of Bj, Mcgee's step mom, who is telling us how to sleep at night, how to wash our bodies, how we will eat our eggs and where our towels will be located. Miller lites are passed around to everyone except Watson who is slightly agitated about not being able to drink. Stories of the past begin to emerge in the kitchen, Papa Mcgee begins to get a twinkle in his eye as he remembers the good ole days from our stories and a slight grimace begins to crawl across bege's face as she realizes the countdown to destruction has begun and only time will tell how long it will take us to bring down the walls of their lovely home.
We polish off a few more miller lites and hit the sack so that we can begin the drunk fest in the morning. Nuts in all of his gayness turns on the Carson Daily show which proudly announes after the next commercial break they will show the finalist to the ugliest dog contest. Runner up one and two are hideous creatures but are nothing in comparison to the grand champion. The owner brings the dog out and howling from nuts, pun and julien can be heard throughout the house. This dog has three white hairs atop its head, five dangly yellow teeth, its skins putrid brown and covered in moles from years of deterioration the poor bastard is missing an eye and I believe half of the other one. A huge tumor juts from his back leg inches from it’s anus. As the camera pans in on the dog nuts begins to scream repeatedly Oh my God, Oh my God. Pun is laughing like a school girl screaming for Watson, McGee, and paq to join in on the horrendous sites.

http://espn.go.com/outdoors/sportingdogs/news/2005/0712/2106127.html

Sat.

Pre-tailgate:
Breakfast begins with barking orders from Bj who reluctantly ask how we would have our eggs. Nuts replies scrambled would be nice along with everyone else in the room only to be shot down by Bj who exclaims over easy, over medium, over hard is the only way eggs are cooked. With a bewildered look on everyone’s face Watson says I can scramble them. After breakfast is finished we are reminded for the 32nd time that our towels are behind our doors.
Bj gets us ready for tailgate as if we were going to our first day of school, I have to admit it was nice not to have to think about what I was doing, all I had to do was drink, but she kept walking around asking everyone if they wanted a barbeque, referring to a barbeque sandwich, and I don’t know what the fuck that means. Can’t you say sandwich after that. All I kept thinking about is if I wanted to sit outside around a grill and cook hamburgers with my favorite buddies while sipping a Budweiser and puffing a stogie.

Tailgate:
After much confusion we park across the st from the $20 parking lot in the $30 parking lot and begin the day. Several drinks are spilt due to carelessness and we realize we have a pisser in the church which is money. The hotness is blasted from the titan and everyone surrounding quickly realizes that we might be more entertaining than the game. Nuts pours his first seven and seven, while hot tamales girls approach us take our picture, and leave us with enough candy to swim in. Pun takes one look at the hill to the bathroom in the church, and commences to piss all over the tree in the parking lot. Erin from now on being referred to as nelson has her cell phone strapped to her head and a straw in her mouth wonders off to God knows where, all the while having a full on conversation with Cassie about kagael exercises. Nuts pours his 5 seven and seven, things start downward. Sober Watson becomes irate when paq lights the last cigarette smokes a quarter of it and puts the rest of it out on the bottom of juliens shoe. This causing angry Pun and sober Watson to begin a trek to find cigarettes, an hour later and 2 miles of exercise pun returns to be cordially greeted by paq who ask for a cigarette. Pun, replies do you know what I just did for this pack of smokes, fuck you. Watson receives a phone call from Nicole and proceeds to have an hour long discussion about why he slept in the same bed as Pun a month and a half ago and has now lost his sex drive. Mcgee, Paq, and Nuts then begin their relentless dry humping spell while Watson is on the phone, undoubtedly hampering his conversation with Nicole. Pun receives an atomic wedgy from nuts which stuffs his boxers between his balls and his ass. Chaos erupts as nuts begins to give away hot tamales to everyone in sight while McGee and paq start a hot tamales war. Pelting anyone they can heave a bag at. Soon we are throwing up packages of Hot Tamales like Tyrone Biggums tossing up money after the reparations checks came in.
Blur from 5:30 to game time.

Game:
How the hell did we get to our seats and who brought us here. Nelson wonders off again, to the disbelief of fellow older gamecock fans who remember the good old days when she was that drunk at the football games and being taken advantage of in the stadium men’s bathroom. Paq comes back with coffee and Pun realizing he is cold, must have some. Pun and Nuts see La and Leslie (KKG’s from Carolina you know the ones that are always at chubby’s hoping to see Nuts) who are wasted. Pun still wearing rainbows considers pouring his coffee on his feet to warm them. Leslie (looking a lot like a gremlin) swaggers back and forth while continuously pulling out mini bottles from her bottomless pit of a jacket. She would chug one and then dump the other into Nut’s coffee. After about 5 mini bottles she pulls out her birth control and says its time for my baby killing pills. Pun, disgusted, looks at nuts and says who is impregnating her. Nut’s reply is she has big hooters, along with a quaint shrug. We return to our seats to witness the greatest gamecock win in the history of time, and Nuts begins to ball, literally.

Post Game:
We begin our trek to get something to eat because Knoxville is beat and has no parking the police officer informs us that crystal is a hot spot because it is full of bacteria and is more like a hot zone. Paq is very upset because he had his sights lined up on crystal ever since the game ended and those little burgers would have been tasty. Paq, Pun, Mcgee, and Nelson make their way into Jersey Mikes where everyone working there may or may not have just smoked a pound of rocky tops finest cheeba. Mcgee orders a turkey sub and is then asked if he wants regular or SMOKED turkey? He orders the smoked and as the sandwich designer cuts the meat he says have a taste of this while handing out SMOKED turkey and not being shy as to stuff his own face with the oh so tasty smokeyness. Afterwards we walk forever to a bar that blows and is most definitely worse than chubbys 9 x 91/2 ever thought about being and proceed to drink a glass of bourbon and or rum that has a drop of coke in it. When I say drink I mean wrestle down because it was harsh. We might as well have ordered bourbon on the rocks because I could have spit in my drink and flavored it more than the coke did. Nuts and Watson begin the journey back to the car while everyone else tries to finish this drink which is an anomaly to anyone from South Carolina. How did they fit that much bourbon in my damn drink? Paq takes a swig of his liquor and makes a bitter beer face which is really a face of Oh my God that’s horrible and if I wasn’t an alcoholic I’d stop drinking this. Five minutes later he is making the same face as he downs the last of drink. The rest of us meet Watson and Nuts who is for some reason already riding in the back of the truck and we precede home stopping at a red light, a fellow gamecock fan asks for a ride and is about run over when Watson realizes that giving out rides would turn directly into a cluster fuck.
Paq and nuts are bundled up in the bed of the truck blaspheming rocky top for being so damn cold, and trying to keep warm by covering themselves with folding chairs. As if that would block the wind? Nuts makes the comment while being pulled out of the bed of the truck, “How do you drink those seven and sevens, I don’t remember half the day. I’m not ever drinking that again.” We get home and comfortable and Paq in his infinite wit says, Good night your towel is behind your door if you were wondering. We then scheme on how we can approach bege the following day and ask her where is my towel, is my towel behind my door or his door? Pun then tries to convince everyone that we should hide the towels and give her a run for her money to see if she can find them.

Sun.

We awake to smells of French toast; Pun exclaims where the fuck is my towel loud enough for everyone in the house to hear him. Bj turns to McGee and asks are they making fun of me? After a lovely breakfast we head home and on the way try to recount how many drinks we had the day before. Nelson looks up and says I only had 4 drinks and in between each drink I had a bottle of water. I did a good job of maintaining but I was WASTED and don’t remember anything, I also got yelled at by a Carolina fan who said I spilt his coffee but I swear he spilt it on me???? Pun, Paq, and Mcgee are confused and begin to chuckle as we take the dangerous ride back down 40.

Sorry for the long windedness.

Rule # 1 Marriage is not a race.

I want to talk about something here…but before you freak out…allow me a disclaimer. This isn’t an endorsement on the subject…. and I don’t want to frighten you. Now that I’ve established that, here we go. Weddings. Marriage. Holy Matrimony.


This nonsense has got to stop.


I mean seriously. We’re almost 25 years old, and people are getting married like it’s some sort of race. Except at the end of this race, do you know what you win? You win a wife. The thing old men joke about and sit at the golf course country club trying to avoid, drinking their Chivas on the rocks. Yeah, that is what you win. Sounds nice, right? If you’re lucky, it’s a two-fer and your inlaws live close by. Free babysitter - jackpot! Yeah, right.



Here is the mindset of a 25 year old who thinks getting married is a dynamite idea: They’re saying, “well this was fun…but it’s about time for my shenanigans to be over with. I’ve been a little rambunctious over the years, and it’s high time this nonsense ends…immediately. I’m buying a tuxedo, parting my hair on the side, and cashing this motherfucker in. Hopefully in a year or so she’ll be pregnant and we can stop traveling and having fun. I’m exhausted. When she’s pregnant she’ll get moody and get wacky cravings. We can make fun, exotic meals together. Like Kiwi and Chili. Delicious. Maybe make a cook book, profit off this experience, I don’t know. It’s gonna be exciting.”



You know what weddings are? They’re church on Saturday. Old people wander in confused: they’re wearing nice clothes instead of mowing the lawn. It’s 2 in the afternoon and they can’t take a nap because they’re sitting a damn wooden pew. Grandma’s pinching the cheeks of ushers, grandpa is modeling the square-bottom tie, it’s fun for the whole family.



I’m going to take this a step futher. Follow me as I delve into the audience. Travel with me on this fantastical journey. Lets examine the four groups that attend weddings:



The first is family members. They are easy to spot because they are the ones with the “I flew from Colorado for this?” look on their face. Congratulations newlyweds…thanks to you Uncle Hank and Aunt Shirley are skipping their Hoover Dam vacation extravaganza so they could come to sunny South Carolina and see you two cut cake and dance to Neil Diamond. If you’re lucky, then your family is like mine, and there’s tension. Your parents will get a hold of the guest list and invite all relatives who are still alive. On all sides of the family. You know the ones, you’ve never met them, but t! hey’re important because their surnames date back to the Mayflower, and they take up spots previously given to “friends of the bride and groom”; a group we’ll get too in a minute. If your family is anything like mine, neither side likes the other. The groom’s side is Irish and does the back stroke on the dance floor smelling like half a bottle of Cutty Sark, while the other side, the Italian side, samples all the fine “reds” the bartender has, then goes home early, making rude Braveheart comparisons to the groom’s family lineage.


The second group – children. They are the ones who are up way past their bed time b/c their father is pounding Chardonnay and their Mother is doing the electric slide. They have NOTHING to occupy their time so you know what they do? They find mischief. At a wedding of all places – they find mischief. Those little gift bags made of lace on the center of the table, filled with Hershey kisses and M&M’s with your names on them? Congratulations. They eat the kisses off of every table in the place and throw the M&M’s into their apple-juice filled Champagne glasses. They make a mess. And again, nothing is more frightening for these children then having drunk Uncle Earl steal their hula hoop so he can hang out with their father on the dance floor, who may or may not be eyeing bridesmaids at this point. Mom may be in the coatroom with your old fraternity president – no one knows. If a kid is at the right age, around 9 years old, the behavior his parents exhibit at a wedding reception may lead directly to heroin use in his or her teens, I’m not sure.



The third group is really special. This is the “People you don’t really care about, i.e “coworkers” group. You’ve known these people a few months, so it’s only right they occupy valuable guest list space. They stand around, bringing no entertainment value whatsoever to the event…they are too shy to dance, too sober to have any fun, and they stick around for twenty minutes, see the only people they need to so their presence can be accounted for, and then they bolt to Applebee’s to meet their comfort circle. They’ll tell everyone at the office your wedding was “so nice” but they now secretly hate you forever because they’ve only known you two months and had to drop thirty-five dollars on a soup ladle from Williams & Sonoma.



The fourth group is the meat of the wedding, and you know who I’m talking about. The “Friends of the Bride and Groom.” Known throughout history as the life of the party, the ones who get the party started, and the ones who close the bar down early. You reserve a healthy portion of your guest list to these people for one reason. They will get the reception hopping and every other guest will forgive you for them missing the Everybody Loves Raymond marathon on TNT. I’ve been too a lot of weddings. The one constant…the friends of the bride and groom make magic happen. Think of the logisti! cs. The party is free! They didn’t pay to get in, didn’t pay to drink, and didn’t pay to eat. It was all free. It’s like they won a free Spring Break booze cruise for the bare-ass baloney toss at Club Knock Knock. When people are in college, they plan spring breaks around “all inclusive packages” and this is what you’ve just given them. And lets get one thing clear right off the bat. A reception is not an “after party” – it’s the reason we came. You’re both sweet kids, but the booze is free and I’m on the clock. The lampshade in the corner looks like a hat, the 12 year old at the table! next to mine is challenging me to a “how many chicken fingers can you fit in your pants” contest, and your DJ has informed me he has Journey’s greatest hits. You finish off the cake…I’ll finish up this bottle of Merlot. Of the last four weddings I’ve been too…only one top 5 wedding moment has occurred at the actual ceremony. There was a female soloist who was smoking hot, singing for the happy couple. She was 17, a little bit money, and every guy in the place was thinking the same thing: “jackpot.”



The other moments rounding out the top five:



Grandma dances to “Baby Got Back” in what would end up being a moment the family of the bride clearly did not enjoy as much as the rest of us.
A friend of a bride had the longest toes my group of friends had ever seen. I know this because we conferred and talked about it. A few of us took mental measurements and compared this girl’s toes to reception items such as jumbo shrimp, kabob skewers, and the stems of wine glasses. The thing was, this girl was so good looking, that no one could figure out if it was worth trying to hit on her, even though her toes may steal things from your apartment later that night. We later found out she was married, but from what I heard, it didn’t work out because her toes were dipping into the husband's wallet at night and buying things from Sharper Image on his dime.
Marc Lynn skipped his own birthday party his girlfriend threw him in the city b/c we were drinking free Pinot Grigio at a reception in the country. (This reception would later get filmed…and should have been broadcast at Sundance…we put on that good of a show. Mcgee actually went up to a ten year old and his mother, while wearing a miniature cowboy hat, and telling this kid’s mother that her son would turn out “just fine because I looked just like him when I was a kid.” Needless to say, that family left like the building was on fire.
Trey drinking so much free wine that he would “redeposit it” in the Meritage parking lot two hours later. He would end up spending the rest of the night in Mcgee’s truck. The wine was so good; he felt he had to share it with the townsfolk.


Do you get my point now? Slow down with the marriage, folks.



Oh, what will my wedding be like you ask? Simple. It’ll be on a beach. It’ll be casual. People can wander over, see what’s going on. If they like what the see, they can stay awhile. People can toss a seashell or two at the preacher or splash around in the ocean behind us. No big deal to me. I just gotta check with her…

Complimants of, T.P. McWhirter

Main Characters

(And I do mean characters.)


Dixon – A big man, he is the ultimate witty sales man with a silver forked tongue. Get to know him for about five minutes and you’ll catch on that he is full of shit, if you don’t you might consider yourself gullible.
Paq – This transplanted Bostonian has a few mental illnesses. He is a hypochondriac that always has something wrong with him. He stays fly with his hair gel and fashionable look by reading up on his subscription to GQ and cosmopolitan. He manages his greatness while being unemployed.
McGee – All American and just a down right good fellow. Laid back and nonchalant he is the nucleus of the group which is sometimes a bad position to be in. He is the planner and usually has things in order as much as they possibly can with this group of hellions. Don’t give him too much credit he knows how to party and let everything hang out, and I don’t mean that figuratively.
Erin – McGee’s Girl. This Dakota beauty had no idea what kind of package her new love came with, and I’m not referring to a banana hammock. This fun loving girl might be the klutz of the century, due to some recent encounters with stairwells.
Cassie – Everybody’s Girl. This yankee beauty loves to play where’s the weienerschnitzel hiding now. This vixen brings a comic relief like no other amongst a group of ravage dogs ready to pounce on most unsuspecting, in her case suspecting, women.
Julien – This little French fuck is extremely temperamental. Moody and very vivacious he reminds some of the female gender. He also likes to complain and if you are on his bad side you’ll know it, because within a few days a website will be posted in your honor.
Pun – From one big man to another, this self imaged southern gentleman is really just a redneck. Harsh and abrasive he is more likely to embarrass the people around him than himself simply because he’s to dumb to know better, but he means well, I think.
Nutz – He doesn’t need much explaining, he is a little crazy and always fun to be around. He is up for anything and is notorious for drawing in crazy women.
Watson – Child molester or just balding? I haven’t caught him with any children but I can see his hair falling out. You are just as likely to find this guy puffing on a camel and sipping a beer as you are to witness him talking to someone’s ex-girlfriend.
Nicole – Watson’s Girlfriend???
Plyler – Already graduating Law School he isn’t the slightest bit more mature than the rest of us. But rest assured one day we’ll ALL need his assistance in climbing out of the hole we are all collectively digging.
Simons – This beefcake hits the gym and the steroids making Jose Concesco look like Jon Heder. Don’t upset him or he might pop your head off. This one is easily love struck.
Poulson – This old man took a little while to mature. Starting college a few years before the rest of us and finishing several years after everyone, he used to be the hell raiser. Now he’s trying to grow up and get away from the bar scene but we just keep pulling him back in, because once it hits your lips, well you know. He now works in politics, irony abound.
Viren – The business man who rolls up in a new German luxury car every 4 or 5 months. Yet the truth is a new car every so often is due his latest accident involving a chicken wing and the hedges lining the inside of I – 26 at 4 am after a long awaited visit to the club. He is the king of Spartanburg and there isn’t a person on earth who doesn’t enjoy this mans company.
Trey – This Catholic virgin’s got his ducks in a row. Except for weekends spent picking himself up off the ground and asking himself what happened the next day. With a heart of gold he truly is a grown man trapped in a child’s body, or vice versa….uhhhh what.
M. Lynn – This kleptomaniac has a wishing stick for a dick. He is always on the prowl for the qualified girl of the night. And by qualified I mean insecure, depressed, half ugly, half undeveloped unsuspecting school girl who thinks he will put a ring on her finger as soon as the jeweler opens up on Sunday afternoon after the 11 am church service. He is truly the snake in the grass all fathers hope their daughters never meet and their sons become.
Anderson - Oh Baby. When you see this guy rest assure that he sees at least three of you. This man used to be a genies and a top notch wrestler until a good ole pal of his got a hold of him by the name of Budweiser and or Jim.
Jewell – Can you say future CEO of a Fortune 500 company? With his head on straight about the business environment this big eared, goofy looking Asian kid won’t quit drinking jager bombs till he is red in the face, which isn’t hard to do when you’re Asian.

This weekend we head to Tennesse, this should be a cluster fuck and has already begun to snowball.

Carolina Homecoming

I am posting this blog to hopefully give other people a kick out of what our group of friends do. Keep an open mind, keep up with the updates and you might get a glimpse of our world which we find trivial, and down right hilarious. We may be a little crazy, have a slight problem with alcohol, and have healthy issues with women just like 2nd graders but we are loving every minute of it. I hope you enjoy and I hope that you keep up with us. All commments are welcome and this will be updated everytime we go out. Enjoy.

Well, another Gamecock Saturday has come and gone, and this one had an added twist: Everyone involved on Saturday night set new record highs with their personal "drunkability" and luckily, yours truly brought along a notepad to record the evening's events. I think where the night took a dangerous turn was everyone being about a day's worth of drinks in before even going downtown....This email doesn't involve Trey or Lynn, b/c they were missing all night. Also, the events are what I remember most, but the times could be completely wrong.

10:41 - I arrive at Nuts house, open the door, and immediately hear an excited Nuts exclaiming that he was going to drink everyone under the table tonight. He has a striped shirt on, and where I come from...that means that you mean business. After everyone in the house applied enough hair product, cologne, and black shiny shoes to themselves make a Yankee proud...we were off. But not before "sick Watson" took his 19th shit of the day, to the dismay of Nuts' bathroom. "Where's the Immodium?!?"

11:05 - I retrieve my debit card from Chubby's 17 by 92 and Wendell tells me to get my act together. I gave him an odd look and told him to turn up the Widespread.

11:07 - A frantic Pun is alone in Rocco's and has just made his third call in three minutes to my phone trying to locate someone he knows. I tell him to look around for Jose, last name Cuervo.

11:10 - We arrive at Rocco's, followed by Smalls, who is enjoying a 21st birthday and has made the mistake of coming out with us instead of his less "drink-tolerant" friends. His girlfriend tells me he may have made a mistake coming out to drink with us. Yep.

11:15 - Simmons shows up, sans-fiance, and quickly calls Poulson and Viren who are on their way...but they too have to find more hair gel, delaying arrival times. The table bet was they would show up at 1:15. My bid was 1:24...I know how long it takes to get hair gel correctly set.

11:45 - Pun announces that if he dies...he automatically wins the drinking contest, over Nuts (who would eventually come in a shameful and distant 22nd). Smalls gives his girlfriend a concerned look and starts auditioning bar patrons to be his "friends for the night."

12:15 - We do the first Tequila shot of the night...and Poulson has to fight to keep it down. He asks for a milkshake or a seltzer water to chase it with.

12:27 - We are on to Chubbys 83 by 67 where Poulson claims he doesn't need another drink and Viren complains of stomach ulcers if he drinks liquor. Pun, Simmons, and I quickly re-introduce them to Wendell who shouts "Thank God you guys are back!" Translation: "These guys are back in town? Chubbys will survive after all...even WITH the ridiculous name!" We do a tequila shot and order two liquor drinks apiece. Nuts is blatantly hitting on girls at this point...

12:42 - Pun goes to the bar around the same time as Simmons, and seven Lemon Drops and six Jager Bombs are set on the bar, along with two drinks apiece for almost every man in attendance and a pack of Malboro Lights. I'm starting to be concerned with our safety tonight, and Megan is looking for a cab to get Smalls away from us. For the first night in months, Deb shows up AFTER the point where Pun is too drunk to care. He's checking his pants for piss as he does his 19th shot of the night.

12:52 - Poulson tells me he's concerned about me and Pun, and will be staging an intervention. I buy him another two Beam and Cokes...and he starts to get the look in his eye. Megan ushers Smalls out the door...his dignity left in the back of the bar, on a hook next the dignity of just about everyone we know and a few scattered sigma numbers.

1:47 - I apologize for the time gap, but I think we all blacked out.

1:48 - Poulson gives the obligatory "I'm Back!" shout and high fives Simmons, who is checking the ID's of the girls he's talking too...making sure none are over the age of 19. I think he even pulled out a few "Drunk Simmons Points along with the "You're Tired!" war cry." Kelly Bessent tells us that "we're fun". By fun she means....have drinking problems.

1:55 - People try to usher us out of the bar - to Pun's dismay. We start the "Do you know who I am!" and "People know me!" talk, but apparently keeping a bar in business from 1999 - 2004 doesn't get you in after hours. But I hear we get free games of Galaga and Ms. Pac Man...so all is well. Bastards.

2:05 - We are kings and the streets of 5 Points are our domain. We decide on our next location - Platinum Plus...and secretly, everyone knew the night just took a bad turn. Pun shouts "The Night Has Gone Awry!" We ignore him and go to Wachovia to drain the savings accounts. Note: Wachovia ATMS do not accept Belk cards.

2:21 - I apparently text message Mcgee and told him we were headed to the strip club with our pinky fingers up in the air.

2:55 - We arrive at Platinum.

3:00 - We've been at Platinum for five minutes, and Viren, Plyler, and Pun have all already left for the back room. Poulson buys 20 draft beers and strippers make their way over to our table; apparently where the "ballers" are sitting. I make it two more minutes before my lap dance begins. Poulson would make it 15 minutes, only b/c I bought his, and I was away for a little while.

3:04 - Is there anything you can say when a stripper says "I know you want to f*** me..." other than just sitting there with a goofy grin on your face? If she puts your hands on certain locations of her soft and nice smelling body - is the "no touching rule" thereby broken? Does anyone NOT feel like a pimp when a naked girl you don't know wants to dance on your crotch? These are questions I need answered...

3:42 - Poulson and I have fallen in love with the stripper at our table. Simmons is expressing his love to our waitress who "he used to have class with" and Plyler and Nuts are next to the cage having breasts rubbed all over them...again...with that goofy smile on.

3:50 - Watson asks everyone at the table for 50 dollars so he can get a two girl lap dance. Honestly, we all would have given it to him...had we not spent it already.

4:02 - Poulson tells a stripper I am the man to talk too about a private dance with a bunch of us and a bunch of girls in the champagne room, and I am attempting to negotiate the champagne room charge down to 350 dollars for five guys from the 400 she is saying now (knowing damn well there is NO chance of us buying one)...but instead of talking to her...I am talking to her crotch and that is making my negotiations difficult. Viren is enjoying a table dance with an Indian stripper who appears to "really like him". I suppose his bank roll is also attractive to her.

4:15 - Simmons - "I love our waitress."
Poulson - "You're engaged."
Simmons - "Oh."

4:35 - I make Liver take me home b/c I have spent my allotted money, plus some more, plus some of Nuts', and Watson keeps asking me for 50 dollars and I may go to the ATM b/c he's my buddy. Pun stays with Poulson and Simmons, who is still trying to figure out the right angle with the waitress. In the meantime, he just keeps buying jello shots from her, ensuring her return to our table every five minutes. He, however, is totally wasted and starting to lose his vocabulary.

4:45 - My pants are completely ripped in the back...and I'm not sure how it happened. I have no idea what happened to my friends after we left them at the club...but seeing as how Pun called me at 12:30 Sunday afternoon...I'm assuming he's ok.

1:37 PM Sunday - WHAT HAPPENED TO TREY AND LYNN!?!?!?!?!

P.S. You might not have a grasp on who people are but keep reading this and youll catch on.